Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
important things re: capes the cod
^(why would you advertise something like that?)
ok attn all squidbrains:
-melanie and i will be arriving in boston thursday night via MEGABUS which you should imagine as just this six-lane-wide 20-ton earth destoryer of mass transit, MEGA enough to make mad max piss himself. bill kelly's gonna pick us up, i think.
-ari (& matt via the magic of girlfriend proxy) have graciously agreed to drive us down to the cape friday. if collin wakes up that morning from uneasy dreams to find he's suddenly sprouted pubic hair, perhaps he and deidre will join us. either way, we'll be there, in various states of drunken comas, by like say early evening.
-cape weekend veterans know that, while the house rarely wants for alcoholic beverage, food is sometimes oddly scarce. well let's just say we'll need stuff. such as:
1. munchables such as chips, crackers, cheese, whatever, delicious things to snack on, think things you'd enjoy while drunk, you'll probably be drunk, sure we've all grown up but let's call a spade a spade, i don't mean that in like a racist way.
2. more "staple foods" like eggs, milk, butter, pasta, etc. i'm sure we'll eat out a bit but we aren't all fanciest men/women alive just yet (working on it)
3. yeah drink things are always welcome. especially if you prefer something specific like cosmopolitans (ken) or smirnoff ices (james)
4. solo cups, ping pong balls.
-i'm excited! the weekend's gonna be great and i can't wait to hear ken's tales of bisexual dating.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Lauren goes Speed Dating: Awkwardness Ensues
These are the facts that you should know.
I was bored and found an advertisement for speed dating in DC so I signed up and got my friend, Lindsey, to sign up with me. I put on my Sunday’s best and headed to the venue which can most accurately be described as “da club.” Immediately upon walking in I realized that Mr. Right was not in the crowd but I proceeded to take advantage of the open bar.
This is where the awkwardness begins....
The organizers had all the girls line up in front of the bar and then the guys rotated around us. We had to stand up the entire time, which was awkward in itself and we were also in a nightclub so it was really loud. Essentially it was a semi-organized bar scene but instead of just awkwardly exchanging looks with someone, you were forced to converse with them (speedily).
To be totally honest, there were like 12 “dates” and more than half of them were not memorable/entertaining but here is a recap of the ones that were. Also important to note, I was standing next to my friend Lindsey so I basically picked up her sloppy seconds the entire night.
Date #1 (Ag)
Ag looked like Gary Coleman—there is really no way to get around it. He was approximately 5’ (generous estimate) and was clearly pissed that we had to stand on our dates. I told him that he better buck up because this was only the first date and that girls wouldn’t like his negative attitude—probably not really what he wanted to be hearing, He told me he’s “never been to a speed dating event where you had to stand.” This seemed to imply that Ag has attended many speed dating events. He told me he liked movies and that if there was nothing good in the theatres he would just watch something in his Netflicks queue (fascinating!) and then, luckily, our 4 minutes was up.
Date #2 (Dan)
Dan was probably a really nice guy. The only problem was that I was physically incapable of telling Dan anything that remotely resembled the truth. He was clearly too old for me and I felt weird "flirting" with someone who could be my uncle so I started off big—I told Dan I was 28 and recently divorced. That didn’t seem to deter him at all and instead he calmly replied “So you’re the younger sister?” At first I had no idea what he was talking about and then I realized that he had just been on a date with Lindsey so I assumed that she too was unable to be honest with Dan. I basically spent the rest of our 4 minutes trying to pretend that I had actually grown up in Pittsburgh with Lindsey and our brother Logan (our parents loved the letter “L”!)
Date #9 (I have no idea what his name was)
This guy did not answer a single question I asked him…instead he would just pose them back to me. Our conversation went something like this:
“Hi, so how has your summer been?”
“How has your summer been?”
“Um…pretty good. So what kind of stuff do you like to do?”
“What kind of stuff do you like to do?”
“Are you serious?”
“Are you serious?”
And so on…
Date #12 (Z—short for Zhang)
All I can say about this kid is that he clearly watched an entire season of the VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist before coming out. For anyone who has seen the show--he opened up a "set" and dropped every line that Mystery has ever created including:
"So I have a question about my friend's girlfriend..."
"My little sister just got a tattoo and she asked me not to tell my parents..."
"Did you know your nose wiggles when you laugh? That's so cute."
After the “dates” were over I proceeded to get pretty drunk and mingle freely with my fellow speedsters. Nothing too eventful/I don't really remember what happened after that.
In conclusion, I think you all should go speed dating.
The end.
I was bored and found an advertisement for speed dating in DC so I signed up and got my friend, Lindsey, to sign up with me. I put on my Sunday’s best and headed to the venue which can most accurately be described as “da club.” Immediately upon walking in I realized that Mr. Right was not in the crowd but I proceeded to take advantage of the open bar.
This is where the awkwardness begins....
The organizers had all the girls line up in front of the bar and then the guys rotated around us. We had to stand up the entire time, which was awkward in itself and we were also in a nightclub so it was really loud. Essentially it was a semi-organized bar scene but instead of just awkwardly exchanging looks with someone, you were forced to converse with them (speedily).
To be totally honest, there were like 12 “dates” and more than half of them were not memorable/entertaining but here is a recap of the ones that were. Also important to note, I was standing next to my friend Lindsey so I basically picked up her sloppy seconds the entire night.
Date #1 (Ag)
Ag looked like Gary Coleman—there is really no way to get around it. He was approximately 5’ (generous estimate) and was clearly pissed that we had to stand on our dates. I told him that he better buck up because this was only the first date and that girls wouldn’t like his negative attitude—probably not really what he wanted to be hearing, He told me he’s “never been to a speed dating event where you had to stand.” This seemed to imply that Ag has attended many speed dating events. He told me he liked movies and that if there was nothing good in the theatres he would just watch something in his Netflicks queue (fascinating!) and then, luckily, our 4 minutes was up.
Date #2 (Dan)
Dan was probably a really nice guy. The only problem was that I was physically incapable of telling Dan anything that remotely resembled the truth. He was clearly too old for me and I felt weird "flirting" with someone who could be my uncle so I started off big—I told Dan I was 28 and recently divorced. That didn’t seem to deter him at all and instead he calmly replied “So you’re the younger sister?” At first I had no idea what he was talking about and then I realized that he had just been on a date with Lindsey so I assumed that she too was unable to be honest with Dan. I basically spent the rest of our 4 minutes trying to pretend that I had actually grown up in Pittsburgh with Lindsey and our brother Logan (our parents loved the letter “L”!)
Date #9 (I have no idea what his name was)
This guy did not answer a single question I asked him…instead he would just pose them back to me. Our conversation went something like this:
“Hi, so how has your summer been?”
“How has your summer been?”
“Um…pretty good. So what kind of stuff do you like to do?”
“What kind of stuff do you like to do?”
“Are you serious?”
“Are you serious?”
And so on…
Date #12 (Z—short for Zhang)
All I can say about this kid is that he clearly watched an entire season of the VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist before coming out. For anyone who has seen the show--he opened up a "set" and dropped every line that Mystery has ever created including:
"So I have a question about my friend's girlfriend..."
"My little sister just got a tattoo and she asked me not to tell my parents..."
"Did you know your nose wiggles when you laugh? That's so cute."
After the “dates” were over I proceeded to get pretty drunk and mingle freely with my fellow speedsters. Nothing too eventful/I don't really remember what happened after that.
In conclusion, I think you all should go speed dating.
The end.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Put it in Your Outlook Calendars
Peter and I are taking September 25th off from work to go to MA for this reunion weekend in the making. By "in the making", I mean "make it happen". Otherwise -
She'll get you.
Jonah's brother will be all like, GAWWAAAARRRRR
Peter will be all like, ewwww, that bitchy bartender made my appletini wrong, again!!!Do you want any of these things to happen? I don't think so. So confer with each other about carpooling, timing, etc. because this weekend is totally for serious and it would be so fun if we could all make it down to the cape.
Also, Boston people in particular: anyone who can take this Friday off gives Melanie and Peter a ride, yes? Good.
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