So
You say you like chili? And lemons in certain contexts, but not as a rule? And noodles in a vague, sort of passive way?
Boy! Do I have a product for you!
We all have the days: you work 10 hours at your marketing job in union square, you're tired but still the best looking guy in miles, and when you come home you look at five different take out menus and you're so indecisive its pathetic and you decide fine, I'll just take a look at what it's the cabinets of my apartment in Astoria, NY because I'm too bored and spineless to make even a laughably simple decision. This literally happens to all of us at least once a week.
That's where Thai Kitchen's Lemongrass Chili Flavored Rice Noodle Soup Bowl comes in! In your cabinet! You bought it some time ago for God knows what reason!
As the water boils, you gaze into the aesthetically suggestive exoticism of the package. It's cover belays a mystery of flavors: will the noodles taste like the dawn atop majestic Fuji? Or perhaps a rain-flecked jungle, deep in the heart of Thailand. (Disclaimer: all thoughts fabricated; you are busy thinking about The X-Men)
Finally the water has boiled! As with most meals, the noodles are prepared by peeling back the plastic cover, pouring in the "flavor" and "oil" packets, and adding boiling water. In 3-4 minutes your noodles are soft enough to sliver down your throat.
And sliver they will. As you take those first magical bites, words come to your mind. Food. Palatable. Mouth Tingle. Green Stuff. Sadness. Thai Kitchen's Lemongrass Chili Flavored Rice Noodle Soup Bowl is like a taste symphony. A very bad symphony, composed by an idiot. But just the same, it makes you feel bad for people who can only afford that crappy Maruchan bag ramen. It makes you feel bad for everyone, for having to live in a world where Thai Kitchen's Lemongrass Chili Flavored Rice Noodle Soup Bowl exists.
And now, you sit in your apartment in Astoria, NY, listening to the new Clipse album and thinking about ordering a small pizza. But deep inside, you know you won't bother. You've got a beer in the fridge and a few comics to read. Life is just fine.
A delightful post, Peter. I've always had a soft, noodley spot in my heart reserved for Thai Kitchen's luster-fully lack-luster products, and now I know (though I had my suspicions) that I'm not alone in this matter of "eh, it'll do for now"-itude.
ReplyDeleteaside: i purchased this $1.99 thai kitchen noodle bowl for peter out of the goodness of my heart, intending for him to consume it as a "work-day snack" option. instead, he let it sit in his backpack for about 2 weeks before deciding to eat it as his sole dinner item, therefore proving that perhaps it is peter himself who has composed this "idiot symphony" he speaks of.
ReplyDeletethis is funny--i once ate a "lo mein" bowl at work for lunch and almost threw up on my boss. TRUE STORY.
ReplyDeletefor the longest time my dad had one of these in our pantry at home. I mean... years. Every time I was hungry I would pull out his drawer in the cupboard and think... Mmm, i'll eat that Thai Kitchen pad thai... but when I really thought about it, I knew I didn't really want to. It gone thrown out when we moved two weeks ago, after years of reminding me that even when it's a choice between my mom's suggestion of a single almond for a snack and a thai kitchen noodle bowl, there really is no choice. I'd rather be miserable with an almond any time.
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